Brett Favre = Poop

From Deadspin, "Elways Bitch" tells about her date with an MLB player that leaves me with a new respect for Brett Favre:

Apparently, there was/is some sort of competition centered on "who can take the largest dump" among a circle of professional athletes. Most of the participants were NFL players and PGA golfers. I do not believe Najeh Davenport was involved. This contest actually had RULES that had been DISCUSSED and VOTED on by members. The main statute was that the "entity" had to cross the water line, or some (I want to use the word that fits here, but I can't) nonsense like that. When one member of the circle produced a worthy effort, a cell phone picture of the item would then be captured and distributed to all participants in the club. The substance was then ranked on a tornado scale from F1 to F5 by all members. F5 represented the most intense deliveries, apparently a reference to the barn scene in "Twister" when Helen "Pinched Face" Hunt and her weather boy were staked down in a barn and their bodies endured incredibly violent winds.

So I discovered this secret society at the end of our third date. As my date strode out of the bathroom, he was starting at his cell phone in rapture. He handed me his cell phone as he sat down, providing no context as to what I was about to observe. So when I first glanced at the picture, I had to really peer at it to comprehend what I was looking at … and when realization set in, I started shaking my head violently, literally throwing the phone at him across the table. I thought he was presenting me a snapshot of the intestinal sculpture he had just carved out … at a white tablecloth steakhouse where they offer you black napkins if you're wearing black (which is a thoughtful gesture). And I'm sitting there stunned, wondering how the hell he went from "kind of boring" to THIS in one bathroom trip. I thought he was the most fucked-up human being I had ever encountered.

And then he stated, completely straight-faced, "Favre just dropped an F-5."

And continuing the poop themed post:

March Madness

Final 4:
UConn over West Virginia Louisville
North Carolina over Duke

Championship Game:
North Carolina over UConn

*Update 3-21-09, 1:19 AM: Fuck West Virginia

Ipod Inspiration

Perhaps Steve Jobs' wife had something to do with the design of the ipod.

From a cool blog called aref-adib.com where there a lot of other excellent Look-alikes

The "Stimulus" Still Sucks

February 11, 2009: President Obama says that if his Stimulus package is passed, the CEO of Catepillar will rehire some of the 22,000 people that were laid off in January.

February 17, 2009: Obama signs the $787,000,000,000 stimulus package.

March 17, 2009: Catepillar announces they are cutting 2,400 more jobs.

Poor Little Kid

This video is pretty old. I've seen it at least 50 times, but I've laughed everytime.

Fantasy March Madness

There is no doubting that fantasy sports are awesome. They make watching sports about ten times as much fun, and it makes even the crappiest games fun to watch. That’s why I want to share Fantasy March Madness with you.

It is a little complicated, so try to keep up while I explain it:
1. Ten people draft, Ten rounds
2. The only stat that matters is points
3. Most points win

It’s fun because you have to consider how far a team is going to go in the tournament to determine how many points a player is going to score. It makes every game interesting because you are either rooting for one of your players to score or rooting for other peoples players to not score. Even after your bracket is busted you can still root for the players you drafted.

So, call 9 friends/neighbors/strangers/bloggers and have a draft. Trust me, you’ll have fun.

If anyone is interested, I’ll post some drafting advice. And honestly, I’m sort of a badass at it. I was runner up two years ago and won it last year (Stephen Curry in the 7th round FTW)

Politicians are Smart

Charlie Albertson, a North Carolina State Senator, is proposing a bill that would get rid of athletic programs at schools that don't perform academically.

"Senate Bill 377 would bar interscholastic athletics at schools where more than half of the students score below the 50th percentile on end-of-grade or end-of-course tests for at least two straight years."

At first glance this sounds like a reasonable request. Schools primary objective should be educating its students, and if they are not doing their primary job, they shouldn't be wasting money on athletics. However, this bill is clearly not the best way to go about it.

If you didn't catch the statistical error in the news report, re-read it. Mr. Albertson wants more than half of the students in his state to score above the 50% mark. This does not mean answering more than 50% of the questions correctly. It means he wants more half the students taking the test to do better than 50% of the students that take the test. (If that last sentence didn't make since don't blame me, blame Mr. Albertson's bill)

I haven't spent a lot of time reading about ways to improve public schools - I figure I'll think about it more once I have kids. However, when that day comes, I'll probably start with the Cato Blog.

2 Great Commercials

Here are two commercials that crack my wife up:

Niagara Falls in The Winter

My wife and I recently took a vacation to Niagara Falls. We really enjoyed it, so I wanted to share about our experience.

Where to Stay? Sheraton on the Falls
We stayed at the Sheraton on the Falls hotel, and I highly recommend it. But only if you get a falls view room. If you don’t get a room with a view of the falls, you might as well stay at the Days Inn, which I don’t recommend. We had a package deal with our airfare and hotel, so I don’t know exactly how much the room cost, but I think it was about $30 more a night to have falls view room. I was a little hesitant to upgrade, but it was easily the best spent money of the whole trip. Floor to ceiling windows with a spectacular view of the falls, and there was a door in the middle of the window that opened (it had a railing). It was great because it allowed for excellent pictures as well as fresh cool air. We kept the (fake) fireplace on the whole time and opened the door when it got too hot.

How Many Nights? No more than 3
Don’t stay more than 3 nights. We flew in on Saturday and flew out on Tuesday. We could have done everything, and been perfectly satisfied with our trip if we only stayed 2 nights, but we were bored. However, if we stayed another night, we probably would have been searching for things to do.


Need a Rental Car? No
We flew into Buffalo international airport, and took a taxi to Niagara Falls. It was about a 45 minute ride, and cost $85. Taking a taxi is the best way to go. A rental car is too expensive, too much trouble, and not necessary. (Don’t forget $15 per day to park it!). If you stay at the Sheridan, everything but the butterfly conservatory is within a 15 minute walk. A rental car is especially unnecessary during the summer when the “People Mover” shuttle is running.



Are the falls really that cool? Yes
I arrived with high expectations, and I was not disappointed. It is a truly awesome experience to watch the water rushing over the cliff and crash to the bottom. It is fast and loud and violent and powerful, and strangely graceful and calm. And, since we went during the winter the falls were partially frozen, which was really neat. It can almost turn a cold hearted economist into an environmentalist. Almost.

Is Niagara Falls strictly for Honeymooners? Not at all
I was under the impression that Niagara Falls is a honeymooner’s city. I would say that impression is way off base. It would be a neat place for a honeymoon, but it was REALLY kid friendly. I think it might be the Putt Putt/Arcade/Haunted House/Wax Museum/capital of the world.

Do’s and Don’ts

Do walk to the American side.
It is a very short walk and it is really worth it. There is an observation deck that lets you get a cool look at the American falls, and an elevator that takes you to the bottom. It was closed because the walkway was covered in snow and ice while we were there, so we didn’t get to do it. The park was open so we walked all around there. All the shops were closed, but there looked like there were some cool places to eat lunch with good views of the falls.


Don’t do the Sky Wheel; Do the Skylon Tower.
The Skylon tower costs $2 more and it is 10 times as cool. The view is way better, you can stay as long as you like, and you can view the observatory from inside and outside. There is also a revolving restaurant. We ate lunch at the revolving restaurant, and I recommend that too. It is a little expensive, about $30 a plate, but if you eat at the restaurant you can go to the observation deck free. The food is good, not great, but you are paying for the view. We ate lunch and didn’t have to wait at all. If you want to eat dinner there you have to make reservations. Also, they only light the falls up at night during the summer, so if you go to the restaurant at night in the winter, you probably won’t be able to see anything.

Do eat dinner at the Spicy Olive.
It is a couple blocks down Clifton Street, and it is a really nice restaurant. Cheap prices, and great food. Service was a little slow, but they were short staffed and we were not in any rush.

Do stay in Canada.
There is no debate on this one. Also, do me a favor, spend the extra money and get a falls view room at the Sheraton. Totally worth it. I promise, when you are looking back at your pictures 6 months after you take the vacation you will regret it if you don’t.

Don’t do the indoor water park.
We were planning on doing it, but decided not to once we went and looked at it. We had never even heard of an indoor water park before, so we thought it would be cool. I guess if you have kids you might want to check it out, but it was about $45 a person, and it is not very big. I’m guessing it’s even less appealing in the summer.


Do the Journey Behind the Falls.This is the elevator to the bottom of the falls on the Canadian side. It only costs $10, and it is pretty cool. A lot of it was frozen when we went, so we didn’t get the full effect, but it was still cool in its own way. For example they have peep holes where you can see behind the falls, but it was completely frozen. Probably would have been better in the summer, but it was still cool. The bottom observation dock was completely covered in ice and snow too, so it was closed. If you go in the Summer be prepared to get wet because the falls are even more powerful and everything is open.

Meh for the bird kingdom.
It was too expensive ($17) for what it was. I guess I’m just not that into birds, but if you are its pretty cool. If you do decide to do it, spend the extra $2 and get a cup of nectar. The birds will be all over you like the crazy lady from Home Alone 2.

Do pack granola bars for breakfast.
We always do this on vacation, and it seems to really save us money. It cost us three bucks for breakfast for the whole vacation. If you must eat out for breakfast, we recommend Tim Horton’s. It’s close to the Sheraton and it is just different enough from Dunkin Donuts that you get a “Canadian” meal. We did it our last morning there. 1 coffee, 1 hot chocolate, and 4 donuts for less than $7 was a pretty good deal.

Don’t forget to pick up 222s and Cuban cigars.
We actually didn’t get either one, but you should if you want to. Both are legal in Canada, and no problem getting across the border. Our bag’s were never inspected when we crossed. I’ve smoke a Cuban cigar before, and I wasn’t impressed, so I wasn’t interested in them. I did try to get a bottle of 222’s, but they said a pharmacist had to give it to me and it was night so the pharmacy was closed.
Chris Berman on 222s

Do remember the currency difference.
Everything is in Canadian dollars, so it’s not quite as expensive as it seems. Currency exchange rate. $1 US dollar = $1.25 Canadian Dollar. So if a dinner entry costs $15 it really only costs about $11.75.

If you were planning on going to Niagara Falls, I hope this helped you. If you have any other questions, feel free to email me: notasportsblog@gmail.com

Yes, They are the Same Size

Check out this neat optical illusion:


I saw this video and thought it was fake, but I wanted to be sure. I did some googling and found out that it is called a Jastrow Illusion. I still didn't think it was real so I found this similar optical illusion:

I still didn't believe they were the same size, so I copied and pasted it into Microsoft Paint and cut out the bottom image and dragged it ontop of the top image. They turned out to be the exact same size, and I was a little amazed.

From: Random Good Stuff
and Might Optical Illusions

Funny Stuff for a Sunday Afternoon

Jeff Green and Joel Przybilla are special friends.

Cole Hamels = James Van Der Beek

More excellent pictures like these can be found at LOL Jocks

Also, this funny video that is sweeping the internet is also modled after lol cats.

Obama's Elf

From BoingBoing

Canadian Health Care

I recently went to Niagara Falls, and while making small talk with the taxi driver, the topic of Canadian Health Care came up. He immigrant to the United States from the Philippians, but he eventually moved to Canada because he thought they had a better health care. He said that before he had kids it was worth the risk of not having great health insurance because he and his wife were healthy and had no history of major illness. However, once he was ready to have kids he wanted to move to Canada to make sure their healthcare needs would be taken care of. He made sure to mention that he did not have to pay hospital bills for the childbirth.

This got me thinking. There have been plenty of stories about pregnant Mexican women coming to the United States illegally to have children so they will born US citizens. I wonder if there are very many Americans going to Canada to have their children so that they can take advantage of the Canadian health care?

*Full review of Niagra Falls coming soon.

Does Hannah Storm read NASB?

I started this blog last December, and within the first week I took a picture of Hannah Storm in a low cut shirt. It got picked up on a lot of sites and directed a lot of traffic this way. Unfortuantly, since then there hasn't been a lot of traffic, and there hasn't been a lot of cleavage.

No, I don’t think Hannah Storm reads my site, but she probably reads Deadspin . Or at least somebody at ESPN does. And judging by the lack of cleavage recently, perhaps someone saw the posts about her revealing outfits and told her to tone it down. If that’s true, I feel terrible. Honestly. If I had anything to do with ESPN showing less tits, I deeply and sincerely regret it. I mean the only thing better in life than sports is tits, and having sports and tits together is better than pie and ice cream. So Hannah, the weather is getting warmer, do your part to help the blogconomy and show us some skin.

If anyone is interested, I took some pictures of Hannah Storm on Sports Center since I originally posted the pictures of her looking cleavagey. It might be worth a look.

Also, I have one more Hannah Storm related post coming soon.

Bill Simmons Podcast

I've been listening to Simmons' Podcast since this Summer and its been pretty good. However, his most recent one is by far the best one yet. Adam Carolla is on there with him, and he is hilarious. I'm not sure the topic of sports ever comes up, so everyone should enjoy it.

http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/simmons/index

I also still plan on writing a Bill Simmons post at sometime in the future.

The NFL Combine Happened

Here are the results of the NFL Combine.

I didn’t get a chance to watch any of it, but that isn’t going to stop me from having an opinion about it. Here is what jumped out at me:

David Buehler is a badass. He had 25 reps of 225 on bench press. That's the 45 pound bar plus two 45 pound plates on each side. Doing that once impresses me - doing that 25 times REALLY impresses me. Oh, I forgot to mention, he is a kicker. Yeah, one of those fags. He also ran a 4.6 40 yard dash. One other little thing that should be mentioned, he ended the regular season by missing all 3 field goal attempts against UCLA. So, maybe he should spend a little more time kicking footballs instead of bench pressing. I'm guessing he thinks no chicks want to hook up with the dorky kicker. Hey kid, I got news for you. Just being on an NFL team is enough to get pletny of poon. Do you think Jeff Reed has ever been inside the Steelers weightroom?

I think the 3 Cone and the Shuttle Run translate much better to the NFL than the 40 Yard Dash. I expected Pat White to have the best 40 time for QBs, but I pretty surprised that Mark Sanchez and Chase Daniel both had faster shuttle runs than White.

So who is going to be good? Any bum can tell you Michael Crabtree, Matt Stafford, and Andre Smith are going to be good (Mel Kiper). It takes a real keen eye to tell you who else is going to have NFL success.

On the Radar, but barely: Javon Ringer, RB Michigan State
He had excellent times, on the two events I think are the most important (3 cone and shuttle), and he had 390 caries his senior year. He is not affraid of being tackled.

Hey, I think I’ve heard of him: Rhett Bomar, QB Sam Houston
He is the guy that got kicked out off Oklahoma because he was being paid for working at a place he never worked. Whoops. Oklahma's athletic department was shocked, and Bomar landed in Division II where he totally redeemed himself (/Dumb and Dumber’d)

Who the hell is that guy: Nathan Brown, QB Central Arkansas
Basically this is going to be the next Tom Brady. Except not as tall, handsome, or talented, so maybe he is the next Jeff Garcia. Actually, that is an excellent comparison. It is my firm prediction that many NFL teams will regret not drafting him, there will be rumors about his sexuality, and he will bang a smokin hot playmate.

Get Poor Quick

If you fall for this trick, you deserve to have your information stolen. In related news, if you are worried your cash might be counterfit, mail it to me, and I will inspect it for free.

Damn Astigmatism

Framing the Debate

When I was in college, I spent a summer interning for a US senator. While I was there I learned that one of the most important things about passing legislation is the way the debate is framed. Unfortunately, the Democratic party did a great job with the recent "Stimulus" legislation.

Just by having the bill called the "Stimulus Package", it infers that the bill will be good for the economy. The Democrats have the battle halfway won before the debate begins. Instead, if it was called the "Deficit Spending Package”, I'm pretty sure it would have had a lot more trouble passing.

This is especially important with the next piece of legislation the Democrat's are trying to pass, the "Fairness Doctrine". Unsurprisingly, I don't think this law would be "fair" at all. Instead, I suggest the "Government Censorship Doctrine." I'm guessing that bill would have a little more trouble passing. Fortunately, it won’t matter if congress passes it or not because Obama has said he doesn’t support it.

Bad Experience at Work

Yesterday was an absolutely beautiful day. 65 degrees, light wind, and sunny. I noticed this as I was walking to my car on my lunch break. It was the first nice day in 5 months, and I really wanted to get some exercise. Unfortunately, I didn’t have work out clothes so I had to be extra miserable the rest of the day.

I decided I had to take advantage of the nice weather. So during my lunch break today, I changed clothes and went for a run. Unfortunately, I didn’t notice the weather wasn’t as nice as it was yesterday. When I walked outside I realized it was really cold. About 35 degrees and the wind was blowing like crazy. I had already changed clothes, so I decided to go ahead with the run. I don’t know how far I ran, but I now know it was too far. My guess is about 2 miles in about 15 minutes. Not impressive, I know, but I hadn’t exercised since before Thanksgiving, and it was really cold, and really windy, and I was under-dressed, and I’m a pussy.

So after the run, I made it back to the locker room feeling like total crap. I set in front of the locker for about 10 minutes trying not to throw up. Then another guy came in so I changed clothes and went back to my desk. I set at my desk for another 10 minutes and I kind of fell asleep and continued trying to not throw up. I needed something to drink so I walked to the break room to get some ice water. Somebody was cooking fish tacos in the microwave, and the smell literally made me taste vomit. I knew I had to go somewhere and take a quick nap or I wasn’t going to make it. I headed to the only place I knew I could be totally alone and uninterrupted – the bathroom. The seat wasn’t very comfortable, but it worked. I slept on the toilet for about 20 minutes with my head in my hands, it was great. As I was washing my hands I noticed I had a big mark on my forehead. While I was trying to sleep, I used my sweater to help pad my head, and it left an imprint of the sweater on my face.

I walked fast back to my desk looking down the whole time. Fortunately, I wasn’t bothered by anyone until I was no longer sick and my face was no longer imprinted. So, my bright idea to exercise on such a nice day turned out to leave me with one of the most miserable days I’ve ever had at work.
Is there a silver lining to my crappy day? I’m guessing when I go running tomorrow, I will be in better shape, and I shouldn’t have much trouble falling asleep tonight.

Damn Dirty Squirrels

We recently discovered squirrels in our attic, and it is miserable. They gnawed holes in the wall and squeezed in. They run around, fight, and scratch all day and night. They have destroyed the insulation, wrecked havoc on everything we store up there, and almost started an electrical fire. It is the worst early in the morning. Right when the sun comes up, the little devil bastards wake up and start going crazy. This wakes me up about two and half hours before I normally wake up. I then have to get out of bed and go bang on the attic door to get them to shut up.

After I failed at patching up the hole, we hired a professional. He was able to plug the holes, but there were still a couple squirrels lose inside the attic. We have a trap and he told us when we caught the squirrel, fill a trash can with water and put the whole cage in there to drown the squirrel.

These squirrels are the bane of my existence. They have cost me time, money, effort, blood, dignity, sweat, and sleep. I hate them with a passion, and yet I can’t kill them. Instead, I wrap the cage in a sheet to keep the squirrel calm. I put the cage in the back of my car, drive 15 miles away, cross over a river, and let the squirrel out in the woods.

Every time I hear those squirrels scratch and every time they wake me up in the early hours of the morning, I want to hit them over the head with a mallet cartoon style. Yet, when I come face to face with them, I just can’t come close to doing it.

I have two excuses.
1. We have a pet Chihuahua, and she looks remarkably similar to a squirrel. Every time I look at the squirrel, I see our dog.
2. Those damn squirrels are cute. Honestly. Click these links and tell me if you could drown a squirrel.
Hand Fed
Lots of Pictures
Squirrel Skiing

Auto Bailout

I meant to post this earlier but never did. I just wanted to post my thoughts on the Auto Bailout, and since they say a picture is worth a thousand words:

Vanity License Plates

If you drive a White Ford Bronco, you basically have to get this vanity plate:



And if you are a time traveler, you basically have to get this vanity plate:



Check out more cool license plates at Jalopnik

Also, be on the lookout for another OJ related post coming soon.

Around the Horn just got Street Cred

Lil Wayne showed up on Around the Horn yesterday.

It's just Woody being Woody.

Jay Mariotti was the first one eliminated, and Tony Reali mentioned that he got beat by a blogger, which was funny.
Reali also said something about Lil Wayne's face tattoo's.
Lil Wayne ended up "winning", and used his 20 seconds of face time to call Lawrence Taylor a pussy for going on Dancing With The Stars.

The “Stimulus” Package Literally Makes me Sick to my Stomach

Harvard Economist Jeffrey Miron proposes a stimulus package that will actually stimulate the economy and not just the government:

“When libertarians question the merit of President Obama's stimulus package, a frequent rejoinder is, 'Well, we have to do something.' This is hardly a persuasive response. If the cure is worse than the disease, it is better to live with the disease.

In any case, libertarians do not argue for doing nothing; rather, they advocate eliminating or adjusting policies that are bad for the economy independent of the recession. Here is a stimulus package that libertarians can endorse:”

From Greg Mankiw

I Wish Politics had Instant Replay

From the Washington Post Washington Post "Obama repeatedly stressed the need for swift and aggressive action on the economy, pitting his plan against those who he said would "do nothing" to assist a desperate public."

Russell Roberts pointed that it reminded him an offense hurrying to the line of scrimmage after a questionable play to quickly snap the ball before the other team can throw the challenge flag.

If you are looking for an easy read to help you learn how economists think, I reccomend Roberts' novel Invisible Heart.

Obama Agrees, the "Stimulus" Package Sucks

Comic from Henry Payne

Here is obama on the "stimulus" package: http://thephoenix.com/BLOGS/blogs/phlog/OBAMA_COMPLICATED.mp3
Actually, it is Obama reading from the audio book for his book, Dreams From My Father. Other funny lines can be heard at The Phoenix

Reminds me of George Bush's "1 finger victory salute"

Kris Jenkins' Jersey is too Tight

If I went to the University of Maryland, I wouldn't tell anyone about it either. Also, Cris Collinsworth making fun of Andy Reid is funny.

In case you are wondering why I was watching the pro bowl, my local ABC station decided to show an infomercial for The NuWave Oven Pro instead of the Kobe/LeBron game. I now understand homicide.

Lots of Links

I just wanted to post some interesting links:

An interesting, short video on how the Department of Agriculture is a really bad idea. Unfortunately, Obama voted for the farm bill in 2008, so it will probably be a problem for another 4 (8) years. (Cato: Downsizing the Federal Government)

A great sentence from Tyler Cowen:

"Lock Jason Furman and Larry Summers in a room for an hour, with no web connection and equipped only with a single crayon between them. They still would come up with a better spending plan than would Congress."
(Marginal Revolution)

A cool map showing all the Wal-Mart's being built across the country. (Flowing Data)

Charles Platt was curious about Wal-Mart, so he decided to get a job there. It's pretty interesting.
(Boing Boing)

Incase you missed Miss America, here are some pictures and a video. (Huffington Post)

The 50 Most Loathsome People in America (THE BEAST)

Quinn and Phelps Sitting in a Tree

I don't know if I should make a Brady Quinn sucks joke or a Brady Quinn is gay joke. Boom Roasted!
(Kissing Suzy Kolber makes fun of Brady Quinn and Michael Phelps)

*In other news, I've been having computer trouble. Posting might be light the next couple of days.*

Cool Pictures

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I found these pictures on a cool website called Criggo

The Super Bowl pick

This is what the whole season has come down to. The Super Bowl. The last game of the year, the last chance to bet on football for 8 months (if you bet on the Pro Bowl, you need help).

There are only 2 options when it comes to betting on the Super Bowl:
#1 Go Big. If you are down money on the year, go double or nothing. Or even more. Worst case scenario, it is a 50/50 chance. Make the biggest bet of the year in the biggest game of the year. With a huge bet, this could be the most memorable Super Bowl ever.

#2 Take it easy. Honestly, who the hell knows what's going to happen? Most likely, you'll be at a party watching the game with a ton of people who know nothing about football. There will be SO much going on during the game, you won't want to have to focus on the spread. Just make a small moneyline bet and enjoy the party.

I must admit, I've picked the Super Bowl wrong about 13 of the past 15 years. I truly defy statistics. But I have good news, I KNOW who is going to cover. I mean I really honestly KNOW that Pittsburgh is going to cover. They HAVE to.

The Cardinals are not on a hot streak. The Cardinals are on a lucky streak, and the extra week between games is not going to be good for them. Sure Kurt Warner has God on his side, but so what. The entire city of Pittsburgh is straight from Hell. Surely, the dark prince will be doing everything in his power to help the Steelers win.

I feel bad that I can't quite put into words what the Steelers are going to do to the Cardinals. Seven points will be nothing. I hope Simmons picks the Steelers, because he will be able to make a much better case for them than I will. Just know that I have a strong gut feeling about the Steelers. I'm definitely in the "Go Big" camp.

100% Nonpartisan Political Post

President George W. H. Obama


A really cool picture of Obama's inauguration.

Anybody see Dwight Howard in that picture?

Funny Stuff

Guide to Super Bowl Proposition Bets

I love proposition bets. Maybe its because during the regular season I bet on 10 games a week, so I want to make a lot of bets during the Super Bowl. Maybe its because I suck at picking them, and I enjoy losing money. Either way, there are hundreds of proposition bets, so I’ve picked out a couple that I will be betting on. My advice is keep it low. I bet 5 bucks on each of these.

Cardinals 1st half points +17.5 vs Steelers full game points
I don’t see the Steelers scoring a ton of points, so I think this is a solid bet. Will I be brave enough to pick the Cards to cover the final score?? Find out Tuesday(ish)

LeBron James made 3s pick em vs Kurt Warner TD passes
LeBron is averaging 1.3 threes a game. Warner is averaging 2 TD’s a game. Hmm. I think LeBron gets 2 threes, Warner might match him, but I don’t see him throwing 3 touchdown’s against Pittsburgh. Take LeBron and a push is the worst case scenario.

Rasheed Wallace points and rebounds -2.5 vs Cardinals first downs
Rasheed is averaging 19.5. Cardinals had 15 vs Atlanta, 16 vs Carolina, and 21 vs Philly. I’m thinking Pittsburgh’s D is going to keep this number relatively low.

Steelers/Cardinals 2nd qtr points -1.5 vs Magic made 3pt FGs
The Magic broke the record for 3’s in a game last week, but they are only averaging 10 threes a game. The 2nd quarter is favorite for highest scoring quarter. Root for FG as the teams go into halftime.

Super Bowl MVP: Ben Roethlisberger +175
If you think the Steelers are going to win, I say this is a much better bet than Steelers -250 on the money line.

Steelers score 1st and win the game - Even money
Another bet that makes the Steelers moneyline look like a sucker bet.

Player's jersey # to score first: Under 38.5:
Just to remind you, Willie Parker is #39, Santonio Holmes is #10, Larry Fitzgerald is #11, Troy Polamalu is #43.

No Safety -1300
No OT -1100
The game will not be decided by exactly 3 points -600
Total number of players with a pass attempt over 2.5 +160
Somebody will try to do something tricky, right? The Cardinals had that throw back play against Philadelphia, and Anquan Boldin played quarterback in college.

Ben Roethlisberger passing yards -35.5 vs Pennsylvania College Points
I saw this bet on sportsbook.com, and I was so shocked I had to call them and get clarification. I found out that it is Penn State’s total points (against Michigan State) vs Roetlisberger. Ummm, this is the biggest no brainer I have EVER seen. Ever.
Penn State’s high score on the year is 89 points. Roethlisberger has gone under 125 yards 4 times. Roethlisberger’s over under for the Super Bowl is 230.5
*Update* As I was typing this I talked myself into making another bet on this one, and sportsbook had removed the bet. I’m guessing my $50 bet really moved the line.

The coin toss! Heads or Tails? The odds are only -101, so it’s better than red/black roulette.
Jeff Reed says “tails never fails.”

Feel free to leave your favorite proposition bet in the comments.

John Calipari thinks something is wrong with Tyreke Evans

University of Memphis basketball Coach, John Calipari, is a little upset with freshman guard, Tyreke Evans.



Unrelated, here is a breakdown of Super Bowl Proposition Bets

Embarrassing Moment from Miss America

I watched the Miss America pageant last night and saw this:


If you didn't see why it was funny, check out the arm pits:


I guess I'm a bad person, but I found it pretty funny that Miss Kentucky was talking about her most embarrisng pageant monent, while she was standing there with huge pit stains.

And because I feel bad about posting this, here is a better picture of Miss Kentucky:

Nothing to be embarrassed of there!

I guess today is a pretty good day to weigh in with a couple political thoughts.

I really wish John McCain would have won…….8 years ago. I really bought into that straight talk express. Even back then he was an older guy with a lot of political experience, but Washington hadn't really seemed to get to him. He thought he would be able to cut through the politics, not play the dumb games, and be able to win. If he would have won 8 years ago, I think he would have been an excellent president. But he didn't win. And, he didn't win mainly because of dirty politics, and I think that changed him. He thought voters would support him taking actual stances on issues, that voters would understand that he was not a regular politician, that he wouldn't play stupid political games. Well, the voters are idiots, and they elected George W. Bush.

8 years later McCain ran for the highest office again, but he wasn't the same guy. He turned into somebody that would say and do anything for votes. Hillary Clinton was the same way. The main thing that jumps to my mind was that stupid gas tax holiday. Both of them supported it, while Obama laughed at them. Throughout the whole campaign, Clinton and McCain both acted like they had already earned the presidency. Almost like it was their right and they were indignant that somebody else had the gall to challenge them.

"Fortunately",* Obama decided to run for president. His campaign consisted mostly of him looking handsome, acting cool, speaking extraordinarily eloquently, and making broad promises of hope and change. The perfect campaign.

So how will Obama do as president? I have no idea. I predict football games (poorly) not politics. However, there is one thing I'm confident Obama will do, that I haven't really heard mentioned anywhere. I really think that Obama will restore support in the United States of people from foreign countries. Or at least no longer make us a laughing stock.

My wife and I have traveled overseas twice in the last 3 years. Both times she tried to convince me that we should wear Canadian flag pins on our backpacks so that people wouldn't be mean to us because we were Americans. I talked her out of it both times and we were never treated poorly, but just having the conversation about it sucked. The majority of the world does not like the United States, and I think it is primarily because of George W Bush.

But now. Now we have a black guy named Barack Hussein Obama as our president. That's nuts. Ask the average American his opinion on India and thier Prime Minister Manmohan Singh. Then ask the average American his opinion on India and tell him India's Prime Minister is a white guy named Fred Johnson. I think they will have a slightly higher regard in the second scenario.

What I'm basically trying to say is, remember the guy that threw his shoe at Bush?



I don't think anyone is going to throw a shoe at Obama. Mr. President, feel free to use that quote in any future campaigns.

*I say "fortunately" because I didn't support Obama. I do think he will be better than McCain, and MUCH better than Clinton. I was one of those crazy people that supported Ron Paul.

NFL Conference Championship Picks

There are only 3 games left, crack open your wallets, and get ready to make some money. I’m 5-3 in the playoffs (and technically, I bet on Baltimore both weeks even though I picked against them. That’s 7-1!!!).

I am 100% positive about my two picks this week, get ready to win a lot of money this week. To get my picks all you have to do is call 1-900-EASY MONEY. It’s only $49.99 a minute, and I stutter really bad so be prepared for a pretty large bill. Or you can just keep reading. Your choice.

EAGLES -4 @ Cardinals
I don’t know anybody that picked the Cardinals last week. Oh shit, I forgot, I picked them. This week HA! They don’t have a chance. They have been insanely lucky, and there luck ends Sunday.
Also, think about who they beat, the Falcons and the Panthers. Two almost identical teams – 1 shakey QB, 1 really good WR, 2 really good RBs, solid defense, and strong run game. Now think about Philly – they are almost the exact opposite. 1 great QB, 0 good WRs, 1 great RB, a great defense, and almost no run game. This is too easy.

Steelers -6 vs. Ravens
The defenses are a push, the Steelers have the better quarterback. I’ll take Willie Parker over all the Ravens RB. Plus, the Steelers have better WRs. The Ravens are much more stylish dressers, and they talk trash better, but the Steelers are at home. Pittsburgh should cover the six points.

*Bet of the week: Eagles/Steelers money line parlay. $10 to win $11.
The BuggyBowl is on.

Roger Goodell speaks to a (gulp) blog

The Big Lead got a chance to interview the NFL Commissioner. Check it out here. It left me pretty I was pretty disappointed. Not in TBL, but in Goodell. At first I thought it was pretty cool that he spoke to a blog, but after thinking about it, I was pissed off it took him so long. The other thing that I didn’t like were his answers. They sucked. He sounded exactly like a politician, and I absolutely hate politician.

Here are two excerpts:
Q: Each morning, we’ll usually check out Youtube to look for exciting dunks or game-winning homers. I’d like to do that for the NFL, but the league is sure to keep all video highlights off YouTube. Do you feel like it is a disservice to fans?
I don’t think there’s a better time to be an NFL fan. When I was a child, I had to wait until halftime of Monday Night Football to watch the highlights from the Sunday games. Now, there’s more content than ever out there, and fans can get those highlights through many devices.
[This answer is so much bullshit it pisses me off. “When I was a kid, I had to walk 10 miles in the snow to get to a newspaper…blah,blah,blah. I thought Goodell was young enough to get the internet, but obviously he isn’t.]

Q: Changes have been made in the league to enhance offense – kickoffs, pass interference – and kickers have improved their accuracy over the last 30 years. We heard a stat that claimed in the last five years, 62 % of the teams that win the coin toss in overtime win the game. Do you feel the overtime format should be changed? And do you like the college overtime format?
We’ve looked at this repeatedly over the last 50 years. We believe that the integrity of the game should stay the same in regular and post season, but on the other hand, we have to determine a victor in the postseason. The reason I think there’s merit to what we have is that the object is to win the game in regulation. The fact that it is sudden death in postseason, and that a coin toss starts overtime, puts every incentive on teams to win the game in regulation. And I prefer our format to the college format.
[This sounds straight out of a George Orwell novel. Absolutely NO football fan prefers the NFL overtime format. Not one. The commissioner is just spouting off bullshit. He could have at least admitted the system is flawed, but instead he just switches between “we” and “I” while obnoxiously defending an indefensible position.]

The whole interview reads like a Senate judicial conformation hearing, where Goodell is trying to talk without saying or admitting anything.

Biggest. Upset. Ever.

Arizona Cardinals are going to host the NFC Conference Championship game!
WOW!
Eagles Fans rejoice the game isn’t at home, Will Leitch’s head explodes, my bookie gets real nervous, and Larry Fitzgerald mushroom stamps the entire Carolina Panthers organization.

NFL Round 2 Playoff Picks Take 2

The girls from fuel.tv love my picks.
Eagles +4@ Giants
I'm pretty nervous about this pick. For one thing, the Eagles have Andy Reid as their coach. Even though, I don't think Tom Coughlin is that much better, its still disconcerting to look at the team you bet on and see a fat tub of lard is coaching. The Eagles won in New York just a couple weeks ago, but the situation is a lot different. The Giants have to be used to not having Plaxico, and they have a lot more to play for. So, why am I going with Philly? I guess I'm on board with Donovan McNabb. This could be his last year in Philadelphia, he seems to be running the ball more, and I think things are just going to click for this team today. We'll see.

Steelers -6 vs. Chargers *Lock of the week*
Make no mistake about it, the Chargers were not lucky last week. They played really well, and they deserved to beat the Colts. Sproles was a total badass, and he is going to be getting the bulk of the touches today. It won't matter. Sproles is VERY overrated. He has had some good games and some very good plays, but he hasn't played Pittsburgh. Everyone has been saying the field is going to slow down Pittsburgh's defense. Well, probably, but they will be used to it. Sproles will not. His number one weapon is quickness, and he will be without that today.
Do you remember that punt from last year?


Yeah, Sproles is going crazy on that field... Steelers win by more than a touchdown, and I think we just might have an "Amish Buggy" Super Bowl!

NFL Playoff Picks Round 2

Does anyone have any idea what is going to happen this weekend? I sure as hell don’t. The more thought I put into these games the less confident I get. I’ve changed my mind twenty times, but this is what I settled on. I made a bet on each game, but the odds makers aren’t exactly moving the line after my bet.

Titans -3 vs Ravens
I’ll have a post on my thoughts on Bill Simmons later, for now I will just say he is a very convincing writer and I have to make my picks before I read his column because I’m afraid he will talk me into his picks. This week he helped break it down so simply that I had to go with him – Rookie QB. On the road. Against a great defense.

Cardinals +10 @ Panthers
The Cardinals are very overrated, and the worst part is that they aren’t rated very high to begin with. The Panthers have a solid defense, a great running game, and Steve Smith. The Cardinals can’t run the ball, have a geriatric QB, a rape victim for a defensive tackle, and they give up the 5th most points in the NFL. And then, there is that whole 0-5 on the East coast. Yikes! So, why the hell would I pick them? Ummmm, I don’t really know. 10 points is a lot, especially for a playoff game.

But I think it was an interview of Bertran Berry on PTI. They asked him about being 0-5 on the East coast. His smile faded, and he shook his head as he looked down. He said they had been hearing that nonstop, and he didn’t know why they couldn’t win on the road. I have two theories. #1 the suck and they are going to get blown out tonight. #2 it was a lack of focus, I’m siding with #2. I think this team will have been super focused this week. They are going to come out very prepared, and they are going to challenge Carolina.

Picture is Joanna Krupa from The Last Braincell

1 Month Anniversary

Marilyn Monroe celebrates NASB’s 1 month anniversary with a glass of Dom.
Wow. I made it a month. Honestly, I really wasn’t sure I would. Luckily people enjoyed my posts on Hannah Storm, my Wikipedia Word was surprisingly well received, and then that whole end zone celebration orgy thing happened. I 'm hoping my Tim Cowlishaw post will catch on, because I think it's a pretty funny story.

I couldn't have made it a month by myself so a huge thank you to:
Everyone who visited the site.
Everyone that linked to my site, specifically:
http://www.deadspin.com/
http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/extramustard/
http://freakonomics.blogs.nytimes.com/
http://www.thebiglead.com/
http://www.oliverwillis.com/
http://www.bustedcoverage.com/
http://www.ballhype.com/
Everyone that clicked on one of those google ads.
The 17 blessed souls that subscribe to the feed.

I really hope I was able to post something that somebody enjoyed, and I hope I can continue to do that.

I didn't get my google adsense account set up until December 16th, so the data is incomplete. That being said, I had 24,501 page views, and 23 clicks resulting in ……..$7.93!!! If a couple hundred more people clicked on adds I could quit my day job and work on this blog full time. As soon as I earn $100.00 Google will send me a check! I’m thinking I'll be going out for sushi around September 09.

Again, thanks for stopping by. I hope you are at least a little entertained, if so, click one of those google ads, and I’ll get to try and get fired George Costanza style.

Thanks.

Tim Cowlishaw got Hammered

I hinted at this in my early picks post, and before I reveal the story, just a few caveats. I have absolutely nothing against Cowlishaw. I have not read a single one of his columns, but I do think he is one of the few tolerable people on the terrible show, Around the Horn. A friend of mine told me about this on New Years Eve, but I waited for all the details before I posted it.

The facts: on December 26th Tim Cowlishaw was admitted to a Dallas emergency room with a head wound.

The story: The day after Christmas, Tim Cowlishaw got out of his mind drunk, partied way too hard, fell down, and busted his head open.

The funny part: He passed out in the hospital that night due to being completely wasted, head busted, and pain medicated. He woke up the next day, December 27th, and started freaking out and screaming, “I have to get to Philadelphia, I have to get to Philadelphia!!!” (The Cowboys were playing the Eagles with the playoffs on the line). He tried to leave the hospital but the doctors wouldn’t let him.

The things I found hardest to believe about the story: Cowlishaw is 53. I figured he was 45 at the oldest. I’m not good at judging age, but Cowlishaw looks pretty good for 53. Then again, the only time I see him he is next to Woody Paige, Bob Ryan, and Bill Plaschke, so I guess it is easy to look young.

Also, Cowlishaw was with an absolutely smoking hot chick. I figured he was famous around Dallas, but I was a little shocked to find out how hot this chick was. I was told he has absolutely no problem getting seriously hot tail in Dallas. Sort of amazing.

The Proof: Unfortunately, other than my track record of being a completely honest and stand up guy, I don’t have much proof. It was one of my really good friends that was the eye witness, not me.

I did try to find some proof though. I couldn’t find anything related to this particular night, but there is a documented history of Tim Cowlishaw getting drunk in the presence of hot young ladies:
Busted Coverage 1
Busted Coverage 2

Also:
There was nothing posted on Cowlishaw’s Blog between Dec 22 and Jan 1
Tim Cowlishaw Blog
And, Cowlishaw had no columns between Dec 24 and Jan 4:
Tim Cowlishaw Dallas News

Of course it was the holiday season, so its easy to understand why he didn’t write anything. But then again, you think he would have written something for the Dallas/Philly game, right?

One more thing. Wikipedia says he graduated high school in 1973. That puts him right at 53, which is how old my friend said he was.

My friend is a really funny guy, so I know he told the story much better than I was able to write it, but hopefully I was able to express the humor.

I'm not out to trash Cowlishaw. I don't think it is that big of a deal (DUI is about 1000 times worse), everyone has embarrassing drunk stories, and this one was too funny not to share.

NFL PLayoffs Round 2 Early Picks

Ravens +3 @ Titans

The Titans are good, but I'm going with the "they peaked too early" theory. Plus Ed Reed is a BMF.

Cards +10 @ Panthers

This line just seemed too high, and the Cardinals already played at Carolina early this year and only lost by 4. I think Fitzgerald and Boldin are good enough to keep the Cardinals in the game. However, if Darnell Docket's ass rape injury keeps him out of this game, I might change my mind.

Eagles +4 @ Giants

I believe in the Eagles. The Giants are a little banged up, this will be a game where they really miss Plaxico. And, I still don't trust Eli Manning. I know he won a Super Bowl, but I just can't trust him, he's too damn goofy looking. Sorry.

Steelers -6 vs. Chargers

I still hate LT and Rivers. Really hate. Epically hate. Unconditionally, unexplainable, unnaturally hate both of them. The Steelers defense is going to be like an adult going to Chuck E. Chesee to play the Whack-a-Mole arcade game, and the mole is Darrin Sproles. Whack-a-Sproles. This is my early lock of the week.

More on these games later in the week. Plus some pretty big inside (embarrassing/hilarious) information on a Sportswriter/ESPN talking head. Any guesses on who (its not Mariotti)?

Wade Phillips

Note: I meant to post this last Monday, but since I already wrote it, I figured I'd go ahead and post it now.

I turned on the Cowboys game during halftime to discover that I was missing an awesomely historic assbeating. As I enjoyed the second half I noticed a truly great play.

Early in the 3^rd quarter the Cowboys, trailing 27-3, were driving around their own 40 yard line when Romo threw incomplete on 3^rd and 1. The announcers are saying that the Cowboys should probably go for it on 4th down. The camera shows Wade Phillips saying "Punt," then it shows Romo, and he waves the punt team off the field. It cuts back to Phillips, and he again says to punt and tells the punt team to get on the field. Then it shows Romo loudly waiving the punt team off the field with both hands and probably a couple "f bombs."

The punt team slinks back to the sideline, and as the Cowboys get ready to go for it, the camera shows Phillips again. He is looking like his normal dumpy, dejected, slightly bewildered self, and he pouts softly to an assistant coach "He can't do that."

This absolutely cracked me up, and it perfectly epitomized Wade Phillips as a coach too. His players like him but have no fear or respect for him. They don't trust his decision making, and they have zero faith in his competency.

It is fair to say that I saw a similar thing happen with Tony Dungy and Peyton Manning a couple years ago. However, that time it seamed like Manning was saying, "trust me, coach, we can get the first down". Romo was saying, "Wade, what the hell are you doing? Are you stupid? We HAVE to go for it, you stupid son of a bitch."

Fearless prediction: "The Dallas Cowboys will never win a playoff game with Wade Phillips as their head coach."

Wild Card Weekend 2.0

I would like to amend a statement from yesterday’s post. I wrote “I hate Peyton Manning, but I REALLY, REALLY hate LaDanian Tomlinson and Phillip Rivers. So I hope they both get gorilla masked.” The part about LT and Marmalard getting gorilla masked, I stand by. The part about me having only “hate” for Peyton Manning, I take back. That does not properly convey the intense desire I have to see him get ran over by a midget driving a high speed steam roller. How the fuck did that schmuck win the MVP? I guess it was “nobody was really that great this year so lets give it to the guy who is in all those commercials.”

Except, plenty of people were great. If you vote for stats, Drew Brees was 16 yards short of breaking the record for most passing yards in a season. If you vote for most valuable to their team, Matt Ryan and Chad Pennington turned laughing stocks into playoff teams. If you vote for general awesomeness, Marshawn Lynch was solid, and we all know it don’t get no better than solid. Defense? DeMarcus Ware had 20 sacks, 84 tackles, and forced 6 fumbles. Ed Reed had led the league with 9 interceptions and 3 defensive touchdowns. Patrick Willis had 109 tackles by his damn self, plus he ran a pick back 86 damn yards.

Instead the award goes to Peyton Manning, and I die a little inside. I’ve always thought it was BS he got the award, but I only chose to write about it after the Colts fucked me over last night. I risked significant amounts of money on them to win the game (upwards of $25), and they promptly shit the bed. Now I’m left rooting for a plane crash.

Ravens -3.5 @ Dolphins
That damn half a point. It could be humongous in this game. The Dolphins are built around ball security, and the Ravens don’t exactly have an explosive offense, which means that this game should be pretty close. Holy shit. I just talked myself into the Dolphins as I was typing this.
*New Pick* DOLPHINS +3.5 vs. Ravens
I don’t think the wildcat will work too well against the Ravens, and I think the Ravens defense is good enough to get a couple turnovers and maybe a big special teams play. Plus, Baltimore won by 14 in Miami earlier this year, but last year Miami beat Baltimore to avoid going winless. (Oh yeah, Miami almost went winless last year) Now I want to switch back. Ugh. I’ll stick with Dolphins, but I’m staying away from this game gambling-wise.

Eagles -3 @ Vikings
Andy Reid sends Donovan McNabb to the bench one time and all the sudden he stops sucking? That’s great coaching. Or a coincidence. (side note: McNabb’s pathetic performance against the Redskins cost me a fantasy football championship, so I would have no problem with McNabb’s being given a pigskin suppository.) Big Daddy Drew lays out a pretty nice case for the Eagles in his Jamboroo

So go with his sage advice. Although he could just be trying to convince himself the Vikings are going to lose so that when they do lose, he doesn’t kill himself.

The main reason I’m going against the Vikings is because of Tarvaris Jackson. This is a guy that couldn’t beat out Matt Jones for the starting quarterback position at the University of Arkansas. Seriously. Jackson couldn’t get any playing time, so he transferred to Alabama State. And what is Matt Jones doing these days? Playing wide receiver, snorting cocaine, and calling Joey Porter gay.

Darnell Dockett got Raped

Yes, Chris Collinsworth, I think maybe that was too much.

This was right after Matty Ice was sacked for a safety and the Cardinals got an excessive celebration penalty. All Darnell Dockett wanted to do was have a few bucking bronco rides, and the referee has to comes in and stick his hand in his taint. Unfortunate.